Friday, August 24

It's That Time Of The Month Again

When I get time off away from the mindless busy-ness of work, I get this funny feeling. This feeling brings me down & it cuts me deep. Feels like a thin sharp knife slowly pushing its way into where it hurts the most.
When I'm with the people I love, I feel somehow incomplete. This feeling is hard to shake when all of them are either attached or married. It doesn't help when friends tease me & especially when old ladies are asking dumb rhetorical questions or trying to matchmake me.
I'm nice to them & I entertain their good intentions but it doesn't help my self-esteem. What kind of a pathetic messed up dumbass needs the help of old grandmothers to get a girl?

Gone are the days when I can rely on my buds for all my social needs. My soul mate is married. My best friend has a girlfriend. My best bud has a second child on the way. I see people younger than me getting hitched while I... I start to wonder what the bloody is wrong with me? I'm 27 this year & I've been single for such an unbelievably long time. The flabbergasted way that aunties react to my answer to their relationship questions does not help at all.

My excuse is work & I'm really isolated. Time sure flies by when you're far away on some isolated island. Working hard to distract yourself. Getting exhausted so that at the end of the night, I won't have time to think too much or feel the cold darkness of the night. I love what I'm doing & I don't mind being where I am... but sometimes I just wish I had someone to share it with.

Don't ask me to pull a chick from the wilderness where I work. Please. You should know by now what kind of a guy I am. I haven't found a chick here who can connect with me on a deeper level. Perhaps it's the language barrier. Perhaps our backgrounds & values are too different. I don't know if I will be able to get it on with a girl from where the area I work. I want more than just physical attraction. Sex is great & important but it's not everything. I've never developed the taste for meaningless sex.

I'm doing a great job shooting myself in the foot by being extremely picky. I don't get into relationships for fun & break it off when I come across someone better. I find a great chick & I hang on to her. I'm not willing to settle because I want one woman to be all that I will ever need in a woman.
I'm not into second wives or extramarital relationships or divorces. Imbecilic bastardos & insecure nimrods do that. One woman is all I need. Then again, she has to be a great one. Someone who is my equal or maybe more. She's not just the bearer of my children. She fully complements me. I'll know her when I meet her. Then, I'll put a ring on it. Until then, there will be more of... this.

I'm aware that as time goes by the suitable women around my age are getting snapped up like hot cakes. I can't say I haven't tried. I've been that pathetic idiot who sends chicks messages on FB. I've been that random dude who walks up to you in the streets. I've been that dumbass who entertained a greying matchmaker. I've been that heartbroken man betrayed by the women he loved the most. All that shows up on my love report card is a big fat F.

I believe in God & I believe God will provide for me. I am terrified that it'll be years before I actually find her or maybe worse... What if it was never meant to be? Do I have to carry this burden for the rest of my life?
sigh... Let your will be done, oh Lord. You know what's best.
Have mercy on me.

Meanwhile...

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