Burying Love Like My Heart Is A Grave

If you understand the symbolism, you'll understand me.
Somebody asked me whether I was hurt before because it seems like I am avoiding or trying not to remember.

Sigh... That made me recall memories long buried & left me feeling exposed, reflective & dejected.
I'm 28 & I don't have much to show, do I? I don't have a house. I don't have a car. I don't have a family. I don't have a wife. Heck, I don't even have a toy girl. Symbols of a successful man.
I have some achievements at work & great friends I can depend on, but when it comes to things that people typically look for, I have nothing to show. Nothing I can be proud of.

And yet, should we really be so concerned about what other people think or see?
It's true that I have been hurt before. Who hasn't?
I guess it's true too that I am avoiding love. Since my last relationship 3 years ago, I have decided to stop dating. Instead, I poured all my energy, love & creativity into the only thing I know will never hurt me: My work. I have done so much these 3 years, I can hardly believe it.

I was numb emotionally so I learned to be less dependent on other people for self-efficacy.
I walled myself from needing emotional comfort from other people. I walled myself from needing the approval of others. I walled myself from both praise & criticism. Nobody could hurt me. And it helped me endure years of accusations, persecutions, full frontal clashes, back-biting & bitter hard work.

I'm burying love like my heart is a grave. I have learned to push my loneliness & need for comfort & love deep into a dark hidden corner of my heart where it will not be a hindrance to my ambitions or my control of my emotions.

Some people think that I have it all put together. That I've things all figured out. The truth is I don't. However, I have begun to take upon the properties of water & be like an unstoppable torrent when I have found a path to go. Think about it.


What of love?
I don't know.
I don't know if you can understand the depth of my emotional burden. Can you imagine the emotional strength it takes to withstand 5 years of hard work & dedication at a school in the middle of nowhere with little reward or recognition?

Now imagine that emotion in a man who needs love, care & companionship. It's really really painful to go this long without a companion. I do feel the loneliness. It's cold & unforgiving. Honestly, I am not built to be celibate. I'd live a very dreadful life if I didn't have a woman. I like all things about women. But, I only need 1 woman. One woman to end them all.

90% of men will admit that there is a wolf within them while the 10% are lying.
I don't know if you can understand the predator in me. How I am now so tempted to seek casual teman wanita relationships with a pretty young woman. No strings attached. Enjoying each other & fulfilling each other's physical needs.

Yet, I choose not to do so &, instead, put my energy & money into my work. It's not easy. I pay the price every night when I sleep alone. I don't sleep very well so I exhaust myself before I go to bed so that I'd sleep right away instead of thinking & thinking & the pain that follows. Why do you think I wrote this blog post at this time of the night?


What am I doing about love?
Honestly? Nothing.
I don't believe in going all out looking for a hot chick to hook up & settle down with. I don't want to lose myself in my pursuit of a woman. I want to be true so that I can be honest to both her & myself. She'll find out eventually anyway. And, hopefully, she'll like enough of me to stay.

I believe that I'll meet her some day... But with every passing day... A little light goes out in my heart.
Despite being so proactive in my work, I'm not going to look for 'her'. I'm going to walk down my chosen path & I'll stumble upon a woman who shares similar values, is passionate & understands what I have to do. And, when I meet the right woman, trust me, I will know.

Meanwhile, I will prepare myself for her. Build within me a man who is able to care for & cherish a woman. Charm her & romance her. Sweep her off her feet & surprise her.
I'll start by making the right decisions in love & not going for temporary relief. Discipline myself. Perhaps even starve myself of love. Fasting until she comes along.
That is... IF she comes along.

Comments

  1. This agony....
    Don't worry, Your perfect one will come someday :) GBU!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Dont worry is easier said than done. =)

      Delete
  2. I understand that feeling Jarod.
    That feeling of getting so used to loneliness.. after all that numbing.. after putting up all that walls that you no longer know how not to be alone.

    But, I'm glad that you're not frantically searching for 'the one'.
    Because, hey, the best ones are the ones that comes, unexpectedly. =)

    "Meanwhile, I will prepare myself for her. Build within me a man who is able to care for & cherish a woman. Charm her & romance her. Sweep her off her feet & surprise her.
    I'll start by making the right decisions in love & not going for temporary relief. "

    * Super like! *

    And this, is the very reason why You are different, Jarod. =)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I need a hug... really.

      Delete
    2. Maaaan. Not cool. My reply disappeared after posting it. >.<

      Anyways! I gave you a super big fat HUG! hahaa.. a virtual one.. sadly.. but it's the best i can do.. !

      ((((((((((((((*hugstighttight!!*)))))))))))))))))


      The longer you wait, the stronger your 'hunger' or 'craving' gets.. and when it finally comes, it will be the tastiest 'meal' you've ever had. The best. =))

      *DOUBLE HUGS!*

      Delete
  3. Don't worry bro, I believe you'll find your better half soon. Sometimes love come when you least expect it. Will pray for you

    ReplyDelete
  4. A durian? Hard on the outside, difficult to open (up), hurtful (thorny)...but inside soft as pulp and so sweet and yummy!!! How about that for my take on you = the fruit?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Well done! I can see why so many people look up to you & your BIG brains!!

      Delete
  5. Well, you have your cool "wife".

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I might just stab the next person who comes up to me & calls my bike a wife. It's l'etalon blanc to you!

      Delete
    2. So sorry, I forgot that you guys aren't married yet. http://ahkamkoko.blogspot.ie/2013/02/i-finally-got-girlfriend.html

      Sometimes, after a period of desperation, we tend to forget the reason why we seek love in the first place. It becomes a need, and not a want. A need can be fulfilled by anything, but what we want is always more special.

      Like when we are just hungry, we would want to eat something- preferably something we like and that usually makes us happy! but when we are starved and have no choice, anything edible is good enough, as long as it takes away the tummy ache from being starved for so long!

      I understand you're hungry now but you don't want to just eat 'anything' so have some snacks before your favourite meal is ready! Look for family members, friends, or your students for some platonic love. Or find some old lovey-dovey couples and stalk them. Just watch the way they care and love for each other- indifferent to their own needs but fulfilling the needs of one another. when what they initially wanted, now became each other's needs.

      I prolly don't make any sense...

      Delete
    3. Your analogy makes perfect sense. I'm distracting myself with all that you are recommending. But as with hunger, the longer you ignore it, the stronger it becomes. ;)

      Delete
  6. =)
    encouraging smile

    http://elitedaily.com/dating/sex/the-7-reasons-to-rid-your-self-of-inhibitions-and-let-love-in/

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks for the article. Those are indeed great reasons to let love in. I have no problems loving again. But only for someone who is worth it.

      Delete
  7. Hugs, hugs...:((.

    ReplyDelete
  8. You said you needed a hug, so here's a huge virtual hug *HUG* Matters of the heart is always tricky and complicated, and sometimes you just need to go about your day, and do what you have been doing, and hopefully something amazing will happen!

    ReplyDelete
  9. the title itself is deep already..sigh..i think i kinda feel you a bit...it's also been 3 years since i've been in a so called 'real' relationship..but they always say, love is out there waiting for you, someday...haha..corny as it sounds, but yeah, let's not lose hope, love will come its way without us realizing it..i hope..:)..but yeah, but u being u, i tell u any girl would come 'beratur' ok...haha..

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks for the reassurance. hahaha~~~
      Life goes on & I wish the both of us good things in love.

      Delete
  10. aww... was it one of ur emo days? :) *hugs*

    ReplyDelete
  11. Totally understand the agony that you're going through. Many days we may be fine, but there will be one day where loneliness hits right at the chest and it feels as if the wind is taken out of you. Your brain wonders what hit you only to realise its that deep feeling of remorse and sadness. That deep pain that is becoming all too familiar.

    *hugs*

    I feel you.

    ReplyDelete

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