At The End of 5 Years

I have been experiencing sleepless nights & I am haunted by many things. Some of which are recorded in an insomnia induced rant I posted a few days ago. Instead of being busy & ignoring my inner most concerns, I am fortunate enough to have a few days off to think about it, talk about it & read up on it. And it helps. I spent an incredible amount of time speaking to God & quietly reflecting. The world has a way of engaging you at multiple fronts & pulling your attention in all sorts of directions. An undisciplined spirit can get lost in all that noise. It's good to have ample of quiet time to myself. Esp at this pivotal point in my life.

Why did I panic about my career all of a sudden?
Sub-consciously, I knew that my time was up. You see, 5 years ago, I made a promise to myself to commit myself to any government school anywhere in the country. I would root myself & give it my all. Therefore, in my posting application form, I put in 'Dimana Saya Diperlukan & Kebolehan Saya Dimanfaatkan'. In my heart, I didn't care where I was. They can send me to a mountain, jungle, plantation, island, wherever. All I wanted to do was teach & serve. I wanted to see if I had what it takes to be a good teacher. If I failed to do that, I'd quit before I made a career out of killing the desire to learn in children.

What have I found out about myself after 5 years?
The 5 years are over & I have achieved what I had set out to achieve. I found out that I can:
-adapt to a life of simple necessities.
-influence rural children: engage a rural classroom which is weak academically but easy to manage.
-influence peers: work in a team & motivate each other to work hard in a challenging situation with little or no reward.
-influence outside the organisation: draw talented people to travel to the middle of nowhere & help out at my jungle school.
-work at high levels: with senior officers on all sorts of meetings, panels, committees, trainings & conferences.

After 5 years, I found out that I can be a good teacher. Even though I am hard on them, my students can understand why I do what I do & they can accept it. Also, the most important consideration of all, they improve & are motivated to continue to improve on their own.
A major factor is my analytical skills (an ability to break down large issues into smaller parts & get to the root of the problem), a willingness to learn (I read books, articles & seek mentors) & the determination to do whatever it takes (no fear of rejection, fighting for what I want, involve peers/experts, or do it myself). This is my niche, every individual has their own.

Now what?
I have reached the deadline I set for myself. Which is why I am so lost. I am at a crossroads. If I want to make a move, I'd better do it now.
NOW I have to decide whether teaching is something I want to commit myself to or whether there is another calling for my life.

I have come to the end of my 5 year 'vision' for myself. I will spend even more quiet time alone to craft a vision for the NEXT 5 years of my life so that I do not end up groping around in the dark hoping to find gold. The probability of that is even lesser than striking a 4D jackpot.

I will share my thoughts on this blog.

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