Single & Desperate

     That is the cold hard truth. I have been single for 2 years & counting. Not enjoying it though. Honestly, I would love to have an attractive woman wrapped around my arms to share my most intimate thoughts. I do want to be married & I do want to have children.
     It's especially hard to accept your-single-self when your friends are getting married & having kids or you see people 'happily' married with kids on FB. The worst part of all is when you're out with your best buds & they are too busy with their girls to pay any attention to you. Seriously, bros before hos! Leave the beech at home!

     Even for men, age does matter esp when it comes to how you are viewed socially. I do feel the pressure of society. I've had old ladies breathing down my neck about getting married & raising an eyelid whenever I say no when asked if I have a girlfriend. I love you & I know you're doing this because you love me but back off!! I am not about to get married & spawn just because of you & your simplistic ideas. In case you haven't read, divorce rates are rising in Malaysia. Marriage doesn't solve problems.
     I don't want to be rushed & end up as a statistic. This is what I want:

     I want someone to live for. Not someone to be my companion; she's not a dog. Not someone to silence my fear of loneliness; I don't want to dread her presence. Not someone to warm my bed; there will be always be hotter & younger women to shag. And most definitely not because of peer, parental or societal pressure; once that pressure is gone, what next? Children? Gosh~~ Think for yourselves & decide for yourselves. YOU ARE NOT A ROBOT!

     I want someone I can connect with at a deeper level. Someone who is similar to me but with enough differences to keep things interesting.
Physically: someone who likes the outdoors & takes care of nutrition & health.
Emotionally: someone who has a big heart & passionate about what she loves.
Spiritually: someone who loves God & wants to raise her family in a Godly way. Someone who is able to accept all the very silly & stupid things I do for my God.
Intellectually: someone who can see where I'm coming from & be smarter than me yet smart enough to make me think that I'm smarter. Yes, brainy chicks turn me on.
Socially: Someone who compliments me socially & is willing to stand by me through the ups & downs of my social/public life.

     I know that not every relationship is perfect & there needs to be mutual commitment & work to make it pass the test of time. However, it wouldn't hurt to be driven by something more than fear. Fear of loneliness. Fear of old age. Fear of dying alone. Fear of not having kids. Fear of society's views. Humans should never be driven or enslaved by fear. Instead of addressing one fear after another, why not address one goal after another? Why can't we be driven by our dreams & desires? Are we too afraid of getting disappointed? Again, fear.
     Even though I have to wait, I don't mind. Good things come to those who wait.

     I tried to but I found out that I am not able to fool around with women. If I'm not attracted to you, I'm not attracted to you. You may have a hot bod but, if the conditions aren't right, I still won't shag you. I'm around women who expect a long-term relationship instead of a short-term fling. When I don't see a future with her, this mismatch of expectations are really a turn off. I don't know how some guys can easily take advantage of women & pull the disappearing act after a shag.
     I can't do it. I tried... very hard but I just can't get myself to touch let alone consume a fruit without the intention of paying for it.

     I haven't paid for sex but I'm open to the idea. There will be no mismatch of expectations. It's a transaction. However, I just don't want to spoil my virginal concept of sex as a bonding agent between two people in love. I don't want to make paying for sex a habit lest I continue to do it after I have a wife. Just like smoking, doing it again will get easier with every puff. So I shouldn't start. Maybe if I'm old & still single, I'll pay younger women for their time. Meanwhile, I'll just use my charms.

 I guess the #1 reason why I am still single is:
     I work in the middle of the jungle. Literally, IN THE MIDDLE OF A FREAKING JUNGLE! I have to take a boat to get out of that prison. If I try to swim or hike to get out, I will die trying. Just like in prison, there isn't much tail to choose from.
     I am surrounded by hundreds of girls. Every day. But they are all too young for me. Besides, I wouldn't want to cross the student/teacher boundary.
     Female teachers are rare & are guaranteed to have rings on their fingers. The same for female staff. Besides, I'm not a fan of workplace romance. I do not mix work with sex. There will be terrible terrible unforeseen circumstances.
     Local women my age are out of town pursuing studies or working in urban areas. Those who stay behind are either very old, very young or not very bright.

     Being single is not all bad. It frees up a lot of my time, energy, creativity & love for other things. I have poured all of it into my work. I married myself to my work & I adopted the children of the Katibas river as my own. I work with passion, drive & vision towards achieving my goals at work. I have a long list of achievements & I can confidently say that I have left a huge impact in the school & in the lives of the children. They will never be the same again. I might not be able to pour myself into my work so much if I had a woman constantly demanding for my attention. I might even use my woman or family as an excuse to do less work like too many teachers do too often.

     As an individual, I am constantly changing & growing from my experiences. As I progress, my priorities & the general direction of my life change. A relationship requires stability or at least you need the consent of the other party to change. Being single frees me to do anything I want with my life & the possibilities are endless. At this moment, I'm working on a grand plan. One that I probably wouldn't even discover if I was too busy going goo goo gaga over a woman. You cannot imagine how much my grand plan has evolved throughout the years. If a woman were with me throughout the process, she would have been totally frustrated with me.

     I am single & desperate but I am willing to wait. I am definitely not willing to go out of my way to find a woman. If I go out of my way to find one, I'd have to go out of my way to keep that one too, get it? I'm sorry but no woman is worth giving up my soul for. I will continue on the path I have chosen for my life & I shall see who I meet along the way. Who knows? Maybe I'll meet someone special? The important thing is, when I'm with her, I'm a better man. No shopping list of wants can ever produce that. She is not a Christmas present. She is designed by God for me. Two imperfections made perfect in each other.

     However, with age, I will have become more established, more renowned, more successful & making more money. With age, if I'm looking for true love, I do have to be wary of this:

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