会いたい

Strange.
I thought that by sheer determination, business or ignorance I could wipe out something from my heart.
I thought that, like memories & kinship, distance & time would fade emotions away.
I thought that I'd be able to make other women be my next obsession.
I guess it's another one of those self-delusions humans are so prone to.

It's been many years. Too many.
Every time I see a couple with a child, I think of her. Then, I'd wonder what it would be like for us to have a child of our own.
Every time I see a pretty girl, I think of her. Of course, I'd check the girl out too. I am after all... a man. Then, I'd wonder how she is.

I really want to be settling down. I really do. But I've yet to feel strongly convicted about someone to commit myself eternally. Except for her & I did not tell her. Stupid.
I hate this feeling. When the things that she does to piss you off makes you smile & when the things you did to piss her off leave you in deep remorse.

Maybe its coz I have strong feelings for her.
Maybe it's some twisted form of self-delusion from a hurt male ego.
She did leave me before I could leave her. I can still remember the last time I saw her... walk away... at the airport. I went numb & lived in denial.

I was stupid. So stupid I did not make utopian promises to her. I wanted her so bad but I knew that if we kept going, it would be tough, so I chose to keep quiet hoping that it was the best thing for both of us.
Maybe it was... but certainly not for me.

I don't know if I'll see her again.
I don't know if she feels the same way.
I don't know if she has someone.
All I know is I ache every night & this will go on for a really really long time.

Comments

  1. Hey friend, since you still have such strong feelings about her, get in touch with her lah. You will never know right? Maybe only after that you can move on....

    ReplyDelete
  2. i like the way u wrote about ur feeling to her...why don't u confess ur feeling to her or else u won't know what she will reacts?? i know u can do it~~ try ya :) later inform us okay

    ReplyDelete
  3. Anny & Muslihah: It seems that a lot of people are advising me to seek her & come clean.
    I'll do that. I've been mulling it for a few years now.
    However, to do that will cost me thousands. Flight, accomodation, food. Coz she's in another part of the world.
    Should start saving up now. God, a teacher's salary is not worth peanuts. haha~~

    ReplyDelete
  4. she's in another part of the world?? hehee...in sarawak also?? never mind..take ur time :)

    ReplyDelete
  5. Yes, long distance relationship is not easy but it is not impossible. Mine was long distance too, it was great, looking forward to the letters; waiting for the postman to come; and now I have all those letters to blackmail him haha :) Go for it but don't wait too long!!!

    ReplyDelete
  6. Anonymous20/8/11 04:25

    Koko, am still here for you HAHAHAHAHA (jokes). Move on bro... move on .... OR fight for her!!! better late than never.

    ReplyDelete
  7. Sobssss!!! This is so sad. But you are so handsome, tall, well-built...everything a girl would look for in a guy - I'm sure you have a whole line of girls waiting. I guess these things can't be forced.As they say, love is a mystery and comes from the most unexpected places.

    Just cherish the beautiful memories...and keep going - que sera sera! If it's meant to be, your paths will cross again and you can pick up where you left off. Or perhaps you will find someone a lot more worthy of your love and if such a someone does come along, be sure to let go, don't look back at the burning bridges, leave the demons behind you.

    Good luck, my friend.

    ReplyDelete
  8. Muslihah: She's not in Sarawak. Think WAAAAAAAAAAAY further.

    Anny: Thanks, Anny!

    Warid: hahahaha~~ Naughty naughty!

    Arthur: Thanks, Arthur. I definitely will want to see her again in my life but I wont be expecting much from it. =)

    ReplyDelete

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