Wednesday, December 25

Insomnia Induced Insecurities

I don't have anything worthy of sharing tonight. I just need to unload something off my chest so that I can finally get some sleep. I've been trying for hours & I'm not getting sleepier. I really hate sleepless nights. It's when I start to think about stuff & worry & fret & it is unnecessary & it doesn't get me anywhere. This is another side of me that doesn't get much time in the light. Most of the time, I find solutions & I get busy at being a solution to things.

But I'm also afraid inside & I'm so insecure about myself & my future. I don't show it much because I'm a guy. I don't like to show my weaknesses. I'm also practical. Revealing or sharing my insecurities doesn't really help me to overcome it. Also, I'm sort of a hippie. I chose to promote what I love instead of bashing what I hate.

I'm sleepless tonight & I can't stop thinking about next year. Sure, I've got a secure job & decent salary. I've got good friends & I love them. I've got a great family who supports me always. But every time I go back to work, I'm detached from all that. My support system. Every time I come back to them, I feel like such a lost cause. I don't know the new people in the circle. I miss key events. I'm totally lost in conversations. A detached stranger to all the people that I love. I miss out on so much of what is going on in the lives of the people that I care about.

Then, I think about my love life. People so easily peg me as a sower of wild oats. I don't do that. I've never even paid for sex. I'm confident & I try to project myself presentably. Esp in a professional setting.  Also, being single doesn't help. People look at me weird & think that I'm either a player or gay. What's up with that? Perhaps I should be a total slob. (I'm slowly turning into one actually.)


Sadly, I don't have love to look forward to next year. Heck, not even a chance to be able to pursue love. I'll be in the jungle most of my days. It'll be hard enough to meet someone let alone get to know them or maintain a relationship. 5 years in the jungle. I don't know what to say. It's not looking up for me.

And then I think about my career. I'm starting to have doubts about whether I want to dedicate my life to teaching. I want to grow personally & professionally. I want to experience things. If I can't grow, I get pissed off. If there's something preventable keeping me from achieving what I want to achieve, I get pissed off. I'm working really really hard in the jungle. There is no doubt about that. I'm also getting recognition from people who care. My work appears in local newspapers. Still, I believe that much much more can be done where I work. But there are preventable obstacles there due to oversight or ignorance at high levels. Perhaps I can be ignorant too? No wait... I can't. I will always want to do more. And please don't tell me to make the best of what I have. What do you think I've been doing all this while?

Perhaps it would be better if I quit & do something else. A wise investor needs to know when to cut a bleeding investment which is taking more than it is giving. Perhaps I can go corporate or run a simple business. I'm willing to make less money but be where I am able to do what makes me happy & add value to the community. I am also willing to fail.

Also, somebody told me very recently that I lost my shine. I was really attractive when I first started & now I've lost my shine. What the f***? Sigh... How can I even respond to that? I have given so much to my work. I've been trying my best to add value to a place where people won't even think twice about rejecting as if I owe it to them to make up for any shortages.

I've gained so much too. Experience. Stoic determination. Thick skin. Bouncing back after being broken physically, mentally & emotionally. Well, I can't get my shine back. I guess. But I accept that as my destiny. I was meant to give & add value to those wiling to accept it. I found myself when I gave everything I had to give until I had nothing left inside & yet still be able stand up & keep fighting.  5 years full of stories I could write a book about. F**k you & your opinions about my shine. If you ask me what would I do if I could go back in time, I'd do it again any day than be a spoiled pretty boy prancing around the place.

Some of you reading this might think that I'm overreacting. Perhaps I am. Insomnia can make body chemicals become imbalanced in some way. But it's better for me to do this at 28 than 38. I'm not getting any younger & if I want to make any major life decisions, I'd better make it before I'm 30. Right now, I have proven that I can achieve success in challenging situations. Also, I have proven my character: integrity & determination as well as my work rate.

I try to be optimistic & think that everything is going to be fine. I do have faith that God has great things in store for me. But maybe. Just maybe. That uneasy feeling I get whenever I think about next year. Is a quiet sign that I need to make some changes. What those changes are... I don't know yet. Whatever it is. I don't want to lose myself. I want to always be true to myself & add value to the world.

Hmm... Don't think this is working. Still can't sleep. Perhaps I shouldn't have had a latte yesterday night at a chic cafe while having a one on one chat with a... dude. Sad guy... Hanging out with a dude when he could actually be hanging out with chicks. Boo!! Whatever. Maybe I really should be gay... Nah. Can't do it.

Somebody please end my misery.

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