Tuesday, November 26

Burying Love Like My Heart Is A Grave

If you understand the symbolism, you'll understand me.
Somebody asked me whether I was hurt before because it seems like I am avoiding or trying not to remember.

Sigh... That made me recall memories long buried & left me feeling exposed, reflective & dejected.
I'm 28 & I don't have much to show, do I? I don't have a house. I don't have a car. I don't have a family. I don't have a wife. Heck, I don't even have a toy girl. Symbols of a successful man.
I have some achievements at work & great friends I can depend on, but when it comes to things that people typically look for, I have nothing to show. Nothing I can be proud of.

And yet, should we really be so concerned about what other people think or see?
It's true that I have been hurt before. Who hasn't?
I guess it's true too that I am avoiding love. Since my last relationship 3 years ago, I have decided to stop dating. Instead, I poured all my energy, love & creativity into the only thing I know will never hurt me: My work. I have done so much these 3 years, I can hardly believe it.

I was numb emotionally so I learned to be less dependent on other people for self-efficacy.
I walled myself from needing emotional comfort from other people. I walled myself from needing the approval of others. I walled myself from both praise & criticism. Nobody could hurt me. And it helped me endure years of accusations, persecutions, full frontal clashes, back-biting & bitter hard work.

I'm burying love like my heart is a grave. I have learned to push my loneliness & need for comfort & love deep into a dark hidden corner of my heart where it will not be a hindrance to my ambitions or my control of my emotions.

Some people think that I have it all put together. That I've things all figured out. The truth is I don't. However, I have begun to take upon the properties of water & be like an unstoppable torrent when I have found a path to go. Think about it.


What of love?
I don't know.
I don't know if you can understand the depth of my emotional burden. Can you imagine the emotional strength it takes to withstand 5 years of hard work & dedication at a school in the middle of nowhere with little reward or recognition?

Now imagine that emotion in a man who needs love, care & companionship. It's really really painful to go this long without a companion. I do feel the loneliness. It's cold & unforgiving. Honestly, I am not built to be celibate. I'd live a very dreadful life if I didn't have a woman. I like all things about women. But, I only need 1 woman. One woman to end them all.

90% of men will admit that there is a wolf within them while the 10% are lying.
I don't know if you can understand the predator in me. How I am now so tempted to seek casual teman wanita relationships with a pretty young woman. No strings attached. Enjoying each other & fulfilling each other's physical needs.

Yet, I choose not to do so &, instead, put my energy & money into my work. It's not easy. I pay the price every night when I sleep alone. I don't sleep very well so I exhaust myself before I go to bed so that I'd sleep right away instead of thinking & thinking & the pain that follows. Why do you think I wrote this blog post at this time of the night?


What am I doing about love?
Honestly? Nothing.
I don't believe in going all out looking for a hot chick to hook up & settle down with. I don't want to lose myself in my pursuit of a woman. I want to be true so that I can be honest to both her & myself. She'll find out eventually anyway. And, hopefully, she'll like enough of me to stay.

I believe that I'll meet her some day... But with every passing day... A little light goes out in my heart.
Despite being so proactive in my work, I'm not going to look for 'her'. I'm going to walk down my chosen path & I'll stumble upon a woman who shares similar values, is passionate & understands what I have to do. And, when I meet the right woman, trust me, I will know.

Meanwhile, I will prepare myself for her. Build within me a man who is able to care for & cherish a woman. Charm her & romance her. Sweep her off her feet & surprise her.
I'll start by making the right decisions in love & not going for temporary relief. Discipline myself. Perhaps even starve myself of love. Fasting until she comes along.
That is... IF she comes along.

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