Friday, August 5

会いたい

Strange.
I thought that by sheer determination, business or ignorance I could wipe out something from my heart.
I thought that, like memories & kinship, distance & time would fade emotions away.
I thought that I'd be able to make other women be my next obsession.
I guess it's another one of those self-delusions humans are so prone to.

It's been many years. Too many.
Every time I see a couple with a child, I think of her. Then, I'd wonder what it would be like for us to have a child of our own.
Every time I see a pretty girl, I think of her. Of course, I'd check the girl out too. I am after all... a man. Then, I'd wonder how she is.

I really want to be settling down. I really do. But I've yet to feel strongly convicted about someone to commit myself eternally. Except for her & I did not tell her. Stupid.
I hate this feeling. When the things that she does to piss you off makes you smile & when the things you did to piss her off leave you in deep remorse.

Maybe its coz I have strong feelings for her.
Maybe it's some twisted form of self-delusion from a hurt male ego.
She did leave me before I could leave her. I can still remember the last time I saw her... walk away... at the airport. I went numb & lived in denial.

I was stupid. So stupid I did not make utopian promises to her. I wanted her so bad but I knew that if we kept going, it would be tough, so I chose to keep quiet hoping that it was the best thing for both of us.
Maybe it was... but certainly not for me.

I don't know if I'll see her again.
I don't know if she feels the same way.
I don't know if she has someone.
All I know is I ache every night & this will go on for a really really long time.

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